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Back in 2010, Harry Letterman got Sully, part Yellow Lab, part Satan. Please, if you know who this portrait belongs to, please call the Times-News. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill Cosby interview and stories from college ••• The Black Keys sing. And then a Warning Warning Watch Warning, and then a Watch Watch. ••• monologue: "More dead birds last night: the Oregon Ducks." (Auburn beat Oregon in the national championship football game.) ••• It's another of Tom De Lay's weeping buddies. Wait a second." (clip): Someone wipes a goofy-looking thing aside, and we hear the squeaky sound you hear when you're cleaning a window with Windex® and Bounty®, The Quicker Picker-Upper™. We now return you to Webster, already in progress." (voice-over): "Be sure to pick up a copy of A Shore Thing, the debut novel of everyone's favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Snooki." (clips of various staff members) (voice-over): "Use it to prop up a wobbly table. " When Dave finds something he likes, he goes with it. For example, he once bought 2,000,000 pairs of socks that he liked. All of a sudden, for the last three weeks Dave can't get it to stick to his face, so he appointed his assistant, Brenda, to call 'em today, and they claimed they're having nozzle trouble. ) ••• back to the TTL ••• Vince Vaughn plugs The Dilemma. She is awesome.) ••• Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz plug the History Channel's American Pickers. 1/12/11 : interruption: Two warmly-dressed rascals wielding snow shovels approach Dave. ••• Dave has some colorful, elbow-length Vet-Pro™ gloves for handling some of the critters Jungle Jack Hanna is about to bring out. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Sunshine, and gives us too much information about current medical procedures. Chris says of his daughters, "I'm very proud of both of them," then goes on to say, "I've gotta tell you, the first time that Abby was announced on SNL, I was so proud, but the... the proudest moment for me was when you announced her and she came out on this show." ••• The National sing. 2/02/11 : Photoshop fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg as a groundhog. I'm standing backstage in front of a green screen." (Dave): "Uh huh.If no one claims it by September 1st, we will do something with it." ••• outside cam: an awesome helicopter shot from above a New York City bridge ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi presents the Top Ten Reasons to Buy the New Snooki Book. I'd never heard of it, but they go around and buy junk that they turn around and sell as movie props, crap for interior designers, etc. At least they're not hoarders, who'll save their gum wrappers, pizza boxes, dead pets, etc. "We'll shovel your sidewalk for twenty bucks," the one with the more-ridiculous hat offers. Jack has a Zorilla (striped polecat), a little joey (kangaroo) and a Binturong (Malaysian bearcat that smells like popcorn, and can kill a cobra). ••• "Alan Kalter's Super Bowl Preview" / (Dave): "OK, Alan, take it away! ••• monologue: Charlie Sheen's home is known as Villa de Kilo. And, do you have any information on the latest developments at all, Bob?
Hurry down to Popeyes®, because when these dead birds are gone, they're gone! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hannibal Buress (who was bumped on Dec. / video: When entering the Ed on 53rd St., he's approached by three yutes, as our cousin Vinny would call them. In 2011 we'll have a sequel, this time with Dave, Charlie Sheen and Hosni Mubarak! " ••• Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men is still popular, and other channels are looking at creating their own shows including characters with addiction problems.Several dozen phony black bird carcasses fall to the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater.Dave believes it's a delivery for Rupert's Hello Deli.We'll be back in April to pick up garbage from October through December. Then just put them with the rest of the trash to be thrown away." (photo): New York City seal (voice-over): "A message from New York City: The last unspoiled place." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some random thoughts about the big New Year's Eve celebration hosted by Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (the universal prototype for male cheerleader).Ryan interviewed one female who might be some sort of celebrity. ••• Dave's advice for the new year: "But seriously to you kids out there, if you're thinking about how to improve yourselves for the coming year, be less of a douche bag." (Late Show aaoogah horn again) ••• Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Brian Williams comes in loaded with comedy.(Dave's only been in the control room twice, he claims. ••• "Late Show Intern Profile": Alan Kalter introduces us to new intern James Madejski, a dramatic writing major at SUNY-Purchase, who stands expressionless onstage. She's 40 years old now, expecting another baby Bettany, and looking great. She won a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but you knew that. ••• Time out: Tony Mendez has walked over to Barbara Gaines' command module. This episode is getting crazier by the minute, and we're just getting warmed up. As of January 1st, cab drivers must charge you a reduced fare if you choose to ride in the trunk. " ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: Dave produces a shiny new three-foot-long gavel. It brings to mind the giant doorknob from Late Night, May 1983. Based on the size of my four-inch Late Show mugs, I'd say this is a 10-incher. / Dave lets Seth demolish the giant microphone, then Eddie Brill delivers it to an audience lady. Seth has a laugh that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's.) ••• more handiwork with the giant gavel: Dave says, "This is how we make a living!
We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! Hernia." (graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video: (title graphic and Freeplay music) (various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration) (voice-over): " PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.
Thousands of contestants auditioned, but only one will win the title of America's Best Dancer, a half-million-dollar-prize, and a role in a real Broadway musical." (clip of Spider-Man falling onto a dancer, as a real actor did in Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark on Dec. And I don't want to alarm you, but honest to God, we're knee deep in rats now with the garbage.
20) (title graphic) (voice-over): "Live to Dance: Only on CBS." (clip of Oprah and graphics) (voice-over): "Oprah Winfrey is proud to introduce the new Oprah Winfrey Network. Currently he's reading a book with the contraption, but he's all worked up over the lack of page numbers. Fortunately the city has hired an additional cat." ••• Speaking of garbage, an employee rolls a trash can on wheels next to Tony Mendez.
••• Paula Abdul's Live to Dance premiered tonight on CBS.
/ promo video: (clip of Paula) (voice-over): "Tuesday on CBS, Paula Abdul returns in Live to Dance. 1/06/11 : New York's just beginning to dig out of the garbage backlog from the Dec. / video: Two kids, all bundled up, are building a garbage man outside. ••• monologue: "And with so much garbage, the rats are crazy.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Paula Abdul plugs the upcoming premiere of Live to Dance, on CBS.